BENEATH THE MOON

The house is too hot
Oven-warmed
My cheeks are flushed
The sink is full of dishes
And I feel fat and dull

But outside the stars are clear
The air is vast and cold
 
In the fresh beneath the moon
You can walk away
Along the roads
And frosty fields
Until you want again
For the comforts
Of an oven-warmed house.

EDWARDS- AN EXCELLENT ANIMAL

I was so sorry to hear today that Edwards, my Mom's Chesapeak Bay retriever, died tragically after being hit by a car. I'm on record as saying that Edwards was the finest dog the Tate family has ever known. I'm sorry for your loss, Mom. It makes the heart a bigger target to be so emotionally invested in another creature, but that was an investment which reaped generous dividends for Edwards during his life. He was a lucky dog.

This too shall pass.

STINKER THE TINKER

Stinker the Tinker is an elf whose job it is to slip down the chimney ahead of Santa on the night before Christmas and case the joint to make sure that no naughty boys or girls are still awake trying to catch a glimpse of the jolly old elf. He creeps through the house peeking into every bed and if everyone is asleep he gives the all clear to Santa.

But before Stinker the Tinker scurries back up the chimney he always drops a deuce in the toilet. Elves poop gumdrops. Did you know that? Well, now you do.

Stinker the Tinker,
That mischievous elf,
Left a gift in the toilet,
He made it himself!

I'm pretty proud of Stinker the Tinker. I hope this goes down as my contribution to Christmas lore. Perhaps years from now supermarkets will sell little bags of Elf poo at the end of their aisles.

"Honey, did you buy Stinker the Tinker's gumdrops?"


"No. I thought you got them! That's alright I think I have some jelly beans around here somewhere.."


"Jelly beans! What's wrong with you. Everyone knows that elves poop gumdrops! NOT JELLY BEANS!!! You'll just have to drive out to the store and get a bag."


"Really?"


"Yes, really, it wouldn't be Christmas without a visit from Stinker the Tinker."

And perhaps someday someone will research the obscure origins of Stinker the Tinker and will find this very post as the very first reference ever made to his existence. This is the birth of an exciting new tradition. Embrace it America! Embrace it!

THE 10th ANNUAL GINGERBREAD CASTLE PARTY

THE SPONTANEOUS BEGINNING OF A NEW CHRISTMAS TRADITION

Yesterday afternoon, Sarah and I left the kids behind in the capable hands of Nanny and drove down to Palm Springs to do some Christmas shopping.

Sarah and I absolutely adore our kids. We love them, and we love life with them, but there is something intoxicating about leaving the kids behind. We had told Nanny we would be back that night, but once we were down there, away from the kids and drunk on being alone together, it became a concrete plan. We got a room.


What?!?!

I know.

It was spontaneous. We hadn't planned to do it exactly. Sarah had been joking around about it earlier in the day, but I don't think either of us was sure the other was serious.

I had been saving money secretly for months- furtively depositing my "Walking Around Money" into a hidden envelope. After tithing and bills, we take ten percent of whatever is left and split it evenly between ourselves. That way we have a little in our pockets if we want to go get coffee with a friend or something. We call it "Walking Around Money." It's not usually much money, but I decided I would save mine up and take Sarah out on a date sometime. I had collected enough in my pocket for a room at a clean enough looking hotel and dinner at Chipotle. It was totally spontaneous. I have to give credit where credit is due. It was sarah's idea. Sarah is fun like that.

It was raining buckets and buckets in Palm Springs. (Southern California has been going through kind of a Seattle phase recently.) Fog hung around everything like the hazy edges of an old memory. Sheets of cold, fat raindrops fell through the mist, flowing off the roofs and across the parking lots. We left our room, room 145, and walked through the rain to the hotel's hot tub. She was barefoot. I wore my shoes.

It was an oversized, tear-shaped spa, which sat in a courtyard in the middle of the complex. Rain drops plipped and splashed across its steaming surface. It looked very inviting. It glowed blue and sent out trails of steam, but thanks to the rain it was totally abandoned.

It rained and rained, sometimes drizzling and sometimes torrential. The mountains above us were socked in. The mist was being driven through the palm trees. It was really pouring, but we just smiled, giggled, and soaked deeper into the hot tub- playing hooky.

Best Christmas tradition ever.

Christmas lights shine brighter when I am alone with you, Sarah.

(Special thanks to Nanny who instantly and graciously agreed to extend her babysitting responsibilities until the next morning.)

MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS

 Every year, sarah does this thing where she hangs Christmas balls from the ceiling clustered in front of the windows in our living room.

 It's kind of like a Christmas ball asteroid field.

 I love the effect. It's very festive, and colorful, and really very striking. It also makes me want to get my B.B. gun and shoot 'em out from the opposite side of the room.

It's beautiful. I love Christmas.

BEARDS OF IDYLLWILD

 I found this jolly old elf standing all by himself outside of the Idyllwild Water District building. Standing alone, as he was, way back in a dark unlit corner, poor old Santa looked more to me like a confused alzheimers patient who had wandered off than the merry Master of the North Pole. I asked him if he was alright, but he just stood there as silent as a mouse clutching that stocking full of toys and knick-knacks.

There's something about a road
That curls away from view
That lures the weary on
By promising something new
"Come just a little further.
Just another mile or two."
But when you 'round the bend
You find yourself anew
faced by a stretch of road
That curls away from view.

THINKING ABOUT COMING IN

Josh Tate has entered into serious talks with Facebook about coming in and surrendering.

I am borg!!!

SOFT

All last night I dreamed of lions. I dreamed of their terrible yellow eyes, set in  broad merciless faces. Their manes, faces and eyes all strikingly similar in coloration- freaky.


I dreamed of wheeling bodies, dust, horns, and flailing hooves.

I dreamed of animals dragged heavily down into the grass, wheezing, burbling and giving up.

I dreamed of stomachs ripped open before the spark left the eye.

I dreamed of a flat plain and a desire to run, run, run, but there were claws catching at my feet, my legs, my flanks, and climbing my back.

It was desperate feeling.

My heart burned with a single minded desire to run, to get away, but the claws would not let go and the weight of the lions bore me down. I tried to fight. It was feeble. My legs kicked out from under the covers. My arms flailed.

I woke up. I was sweaty and my heart was racing. Wide-eyed and crazy I sat up and looked around the room. The dream melted away. I fell back on the pillow reassuring myself that it was only a dream.

I had never felt so soft.

THE CONFESSIONS OF JOSH TATE

It was me.

AN HONEST TREE

We're gonna go get a Christmas tree!
We're gonna go get a Christmas tree!
We're gonna go get a Christmas tree!
And bring it home tonight!

There is something magical about a Christmas tree lot, isn't there? The spacious aisles, the neat rows of trees, the lights, the festive atmosphere. My kids were amped up like chimps on cocaine as the van's tires bit into the gravel parking lot and came to a stop. No sooner were we parked then Bowden and Lucy were out of their seat belts and screaming to be freed from the confines of their Astro Van prison. With so many "Stay close to us's," and "Don't go where we can't see you's" dropped on their deaf ears we finally slid the door and watched as they ran scatter shot into the miniature forest. Pretty soon calls of "Daddy, over here, this one!" and "Mommy, check this one out" could be heard from one corner of the lot to the other.

Miles was watched like a hawk, and, unlike his slippery siblings, failed to elude our supervision. He was completely non-plussed by the Christmas trees though and fell to work eating the wood chips.

Sarah and I did our annual groaning over the price of Christmas trees, which was followed by our annual shrugging of the shoulders. What can you do?

We hadn't been inside the lot more than 10 minutes when Jack began conspicuously grabbing his wee little manhood, which is a red flag Sarah and I have learned not to ignore. So as soon as Sarah alerted me to the impending disaster I snatched him up and escorted him to the most evil looking porta-potty you have ever seen (or smelled) out by the parking lot. Jack would have none of it. So I took him behind the porta-potty and down an embankment where we found some bushes, but Jack claimed that his need to pee had mysteriously disappeared. My stubborn attempts to convince him that he did indeed still need to pee produced tears but no urine. So I pulled his pants up and we went back to the Christmas tree lot where he miraculously kept his pants dry. It was a Christmas miracle!

Finally, the decision was made and this fine speciment of a Noble Fir was netted, payed for and lashed to the top of our van.

Ouch!

"Miles, with a big fistful of wood chips.

Bowden is such a stud. He clambered up onto the van to help the lady tie it down. He was actually very helpful. The boy has good instincts.

Then we changed the kids into their pajamas and set a course for home. The kids fell right to sleep.

It's pretty, no?

WORST FIGHT SCENE EVER

Follow this link to watch the worst fight scene ever. I absolutely adore how Captain Kirk gets loose from the reptilian creature's grasp at :57 and it makes me laugh that the alien could not squeeze the life out of Ol' Jimmy Boy but apparently possesses sufficient strength to hurl boulders the size of a small auto. Simply put, this video represents the best couple of minutes I have ever spent on youtube. Enjoy!

OVERHEARD with special BFZ correspondent Joel Tate

My brother, Joel, recently came out to CA with his whole family and on the return flight I tasked him with eavesdropping on his fellow travelers for the purposes of a special installment of OVERHEARD. Thanks, Joel. Great job!

"So afterwards the stewardess walks up to me and says 'You know, I think you're quite rude,' and I turn and say to her, "Yeah, well I think you're quite rude."
Middle aged man regaling his weary seat mate with a travel anecdote.

"So we just absolutely loaded up on almonds."
mid-western couple explaining to fellow travelers their reaction to the discovery that certain kinds of produce cost less in Southern California.

"I mean, it's a political satire! Why would they put Jack Black in it?"
Pretentious man complaining to his girlfriend about a billboard for "Gulliver's Travels" before he went back to his kindle where he was reading some book in Latin.

"That's Rush Limbaugh politics."
Traveler filing onto plane

MY NEXT SPEAKING GIG

December 19th at Idylliwld Bible Church, services at 9:00 am and 10:45am.

TEMPTED BY THE TREE

I have found in the woods a white fir of perfect heighth and form. If ever there was a tree that begged to be cut down and hauled home for Christmas this is it. Most wild trees are scraggly and unfit, but this one stands in the center of a sun-drenched, uncluttered clearing like the belle of a yuletide ball. Beautiful thick boughs with waxy green needles taper to a sharp point like a church steeple, and its branches sweep out over the snow in such a way that it does not require much imagination to picture brightly wrapped presents underneath.

But alas it is just a pebble's throw outside the camp's property on land belonging to the County Park where cutting down trees is strictly prohibited. Satan has tempted me with it. Oh, the siren song of a free Christmas tree. Sin always costs more than the advertised price. It never costs nothing. "A tree like that might cost you $50.00 at a lot," Satan whispers.  "La Noblesse Oblige," he reasons. "Just say it was on the camp's property. Nobody will know."  Like my ancestors, Adam and Eve, I am tempted by the tree. Am I not made of dust? I have returned to the tree often enough in my thoughts, that I felt it necessary to post about it here for the purposes of accountability. I feel weak like gollum in the presence of this tree. I'm afraid that one of these days I might just find myself, with saw in hand, a pebble's throw outside of the camp's property, and justifying the unjustifiable with a hardened heart.

THE FLAVOR OF THE MONTH- DECEMBER

A cold wind flows over the tops of the bare hills like water over a dam, blasting the exposed slopes and flooding the valleys with storm. It howls across fields and over the tops of chimneys. Snow hisses and settles in the black forest as animals huddle underground among the roots.

In the town, it's blowing wind and snow all through the empty streets. Each home is an enclave of warmth and comfort. Their merry windows cast an orange glow on the drifting snow. Winter tests the defenses. It curls under the eaves, and tries the seals around doors and windows, but inside everything is snug and secure. The fire crackles and children explore under the blankets with their toes. Winter's rage is impotent. The cheer within is equal to the chill without. Do your worst, winter, do your worst.

EXHIBIT A

Sometimes I get the unsettling feeling that someday this blog is going to be used against me. In the next couple of days I intend to offer up more fodder for the prosecution by resuming posting. Hooray!!!