BRYAN M. FELIX

Believe you me I understand the appeal of a hobo’s existence. Although not a smithy per se I have been trained in the metallurgic arts, and before settling down I did often dream of taking to a life of aimless wandering (Tell me, what movie?). The only downside that I can see to life as a Hobo is that I don’t like beans. Judging by everything I have ever seen about Hobos in the movies and on TV, beans seem to be a staple of their diet. No me gusta los frijoles.

I love hobos. So let it be known that it was without any malice of heart toward the hobo kind that I set out recently to dismantle and inventory an abandoned hobo camp in the woods across the gully. Assisting me in the effort were my good friends Paul and Cyndi Hutchins. Despite being a self-described germaphobe, Paul gloved up and jumped into the work with gusto. Cyndi photo-documented our efforts.

On the way up to the camp I told the Hutchins, who are the sort of stout-hearted adventurers you would want alongside if called upon to cast a ring into Mordor, that I was not 100% certain that the camp was entirely abandoned, and that there remained a possibility that we might actually encounter a hobo at said encampment. They were unphased, and I was impressed by their steely determination to see the thing through.

Such is their lust for adventure that I think the Hutchins were actually a little disappointed to find the camp abandoned. I was relieved. I dragged the tent out of the bushes and into an area where we could work on removing and inventorying its contents more easily. I think the site had been abandoned for quite some time as all of the tent’s contents were water logged from recent rains, leaves had blown in through the door and chipmunks had shredded a portion of one of the books contained therein.

When it was all said and done the tent contained the following items:

6 pairs of pants

8 shirts

2 jackets

1 boy scout hat

1 electric blanket

1 sleeping blanket

1 empty computer case

5 golf clubs

Numerous empty beer cans/bottles and cigarette packs

5 golf clubs with bag

Numerous candles

Three take out boxes

3 books ("Japanese- The Rough Guide Dictionary Phrasebook," "Why Do Some Shoes Squeak and 568 Other Popular Questions Answered," and "More Filthy, Dirty Jokes Uncensored Edition Adults Only")

1 knife

1 harmonica

$0.51 in change (two quarters and a penny)

1 Bank Card in the name of Bryan M. Felix

1 EBT California Advantage Card in the name of Bryan Felix

I thought it was just as noteworthy what we didn’t find- no pornography (notwithstanding the book of dirty jokes), no drug paraphernalia (notwithstanding the beer empties and cigarette packs), no condoms, and nothing stolen from the camp. He must have had that clean-living smile.

I'm not sure if his name was Bryan M. Felix or if the cards were stolen. I notified the Riverside County Sheriff's department of my find and they sent Deputy Stoyer over to take possession of the bank card and the EBT card. I advised the good Deputy Stoyer of my intentions to dispose of the rest of the found property and she nooded her approval. 

I wish I knew what became of Mr. Felix. I never even knew that he was my neighbor. Did he leave hs camp one day only to get arrested or hospitalized? Why didn't he come back? Why would anyone leave a perfectly good set of golf clubs in the woods? Why did he take them into the woods to begin with? So many questions...inquiring minds want to know!  

Mr. Felix, wherever you are, I want you to know that I took the $0.51 that you left inside your tent and I gave them to a fellow hobo that I know in town. Perhaps you know of him, his name is Edward. When I handed him the $0.51 he said, "Thanks, Josh! ...but you never give me money." (Which is true because, as Edward will tell you, being an honest sort of hobo, he is only going to use it to buy alcohol, that being his vice of choice. Although, I have been known to purchase Edward rotisserie chickens and ruben sandwiches on occasion I have never given him money.) "It's not really from me," I told Edward, "It's from a guy named Bryan. He would have wanted you to have it."