THOUGHTS I HAD IN MONTEREY

1. My pants fall down because my butt is flat as a board. I need a little more to hang my pants on, ya know?

2. I wonder if a baseball player could hit a homerun with a stationary ball or does the velocity of the pitch contribute to the distance a baseball player can hit the ball?

3. I love volunteering to take group pictures for strangers. It feels so validating to be trusted with their cameras, and I come away from the experience feeling all aglow, like I'm the kindest, thoughtfullest, most big-hearted person in the world for thinking to ask if I could take their picture for them.

4. Why are girls never accused of chauvinism when they are clearly chauvinistic sometimes? In fact their chauvinism is more overt and vocal. For that matter lots of people know the word misogyny, which means the hatred of women, but tell me what is the word for the hatred of men?


5. I think the appeal of stonehenge is its mystery. If the true story was told about how and why the ancients did what they did it might just seem a little silly. Maybe there's no great wisdom behind it. Could be just silly.

6. Why do they call it the "high" seas? It's at sea level obviously.

7. I love being the guy to push the buttons in elevators. I am always vaguely disappointed when someone else gets to push the buttons.

8. I want to have a special relationship with the sea lions. I want them to love me in a unique, special way and to reject the rest of humanity. Like, I wish I could climb up onto that raft with them and take a little nap, but if somebody else tried to do it they would get bitten. I want them to love me and hate all the rest of you.

9. The trouble with the beach is all of this sand.

10. If all the land in the world became ocean and all the ocean became land (if they switched) then Monterey Bay would become a large peninsula jutting out into the North American Sea. What's interesting though is that Panama would still be an important link between two oceans. They would call it the straights of Panama and they would run north to south instead of east to west.

11. If we got a second car I would want it to be an El Camino. Those cars are sweet, and they are kind of like the love child of a pickup truck and a sedan. The proof of the sedan's forbidden love for the pickup truck from the other side of the tracks is the El Camino. Her father, Lexus, and Mother, Mercedes, forbade their passion but love could not be fenced in. The result- El Camino!

12. God was kind to give squirrels fluffy tails. Just think if they were hairless tails like rats. We would all hate them and call them tree rats. It would make their efforts to steal from bird feeders even more sinister. Same with Raccoons. Imagine a raccoon with a long scaley tail climbing out of your trash can. It's not a little rascal anymore is it? Shudder. Davy Crockett would have had to find another signature piece of haberdashery to keep the rain off.