VIETNAMESE WILD MEN FOUND LIVING IN THE JUNGLE

If I was a Hollywood insider I would lobby to have their story made into a movie. Read all about it HERE.

BUY MY BOOK. HELP US MOVE.

(Mom, I will not be paying you any royalties for posing on the cover.)

God willing, Sarah and I will be moving away from Idyllwild and Camp Maranatha before the end of the year to pursue my calling to pastoral ministry. Understandably that presents us with a mix of emotions. Mostly, we are excited but anytime you tear up roots as deep as the ones we have sunk in Idyllwild there's gonna be some pain too. We have not yet made our decision on where to go from here, but all signs are pointing to a decision within the next month, and a move before Thanksgiving.

Moving is expensive, and the Tates will be in need of cash. So here's how you can help. To raise money to help us move I have written a book containing 50 collected poems, which I have written mostly over the past three years.

The book, titled "Like Smoke," contains such lines as;

As the sun spread
Over the frozen field
It blazed and bristled
Like an elfin army-
Millions upon millions
Of silver spears.
(From the poem "Burning Bushes")

She spoke words into me
Like a spark into tinder
And watched with joy
As the wild thing spread.
(From the poem "Spark Into Tinder")

and many, many more...

I will be posting a few poems between now and the end of the month so you can sample the goods.

Here's what the critics are saying-

"Like Smoke is the single greatest thing ever written in the English language. Move over, Shakespeare!"
Tosh Jate

"After reading Like Smoke I decided to stop being a writer. Everything I have ever written comes off like the ugly sister compared to this book. In the pages of Like Smoke I witnessed the highest summit of prose, and it was such a height of excellence that my efforts as a writer could simply never attain. Why continue? My life is a mediocre waste."
Chuck Berlinsky

"Wow! Just wow!"
Barak Obama, 44th President of the United States

So buy my book and help us move. This is a limited time offer. I will only be accepting orders between now and the end of August.

Here's how to order.

Between now and August 31st I will be taking orders for "Like Smoke." The books will be printed toward the end of August and you will receive your book no later than September 14th.

The cost of "Like Smoke" is $12.00 per book, which includes shipping and handling.

Please send payment to

PO BOX 618
Idyllwild, CA
92549

Please indicate the number of copies you would like and what address to ship them to.

Thanks for helping us move!

SOUNDS OF SYLMAR

Sprinklers hissing
The distant drone of a leaf blower
Dogs barking
Roosters crowing
The hum of the freeway
Horses clattering on asphalt
Mariachi music
Helicopters chopping the air
Then
The music of an ice cream truck

FOOTBALL!

Last night I felt a sudden shiver of excitement as I realized for the first time that Football season is less than two months away. We're almost there!

Here are five predictions for the upcoming football season.

1. Sadly, John Madden dies- somebody can't figure out why all the players have "JM" on their jerseys.
2. Happily, Tim Tebow converts more people than passes in New England.
3. First female referee debuts, makes a controversial call, ensuing debate is seen by the ladies on The View as sexism.
4. Superbowl Champions, Baltimore, Ravens, close the season with a losing record.
5. Superbowl is played between the Denver, Broncos and the Washington, Redskins.  The Skins win by 10 points.

THINGS I THOUGHT TODAY BUT DIDN'T SHARE WITH ANYONE (until now)



1. I don't know if anyone is planning on making a Wonder Woman movie, but they really should while Angie Harmon is still around.

 

2. It has always bothered me that the size of U.S. coins are not commensurate to their value. Of course, I know that the penny was originally one cent of copper, the nickel five cents of nickel, and the dime ten cents of silver, thus the disparity between size and value, but still it bothers me.

 

3. I have recently been feeling the itch to go participate at an open mic night somewhere. I might crash and burn, but I am feeling the itch to give it a go.

4. Really, what is the difference between pokemon and dog fighting?

LIGHT GLUTTONS

Of all of the diurnal creatures, man is the only one who possesses the ability to will it to be as day in the middle of the night. God created day and night as distinct from one another, but man has muddied the distinction with artificial light and stimulants. Light gluttons? I sometimes wonder what it would be like to fall into a rhythm of life over a span of months and years where the setting of the sun brought a cease to activity. I wonder if I would be better off and healthier for it.

If man had been created with nocturnal preferences instead of diurnal perhaps our children would have difficulty falling asleep for fear of the light. I think it likely that mankind would have created darkened spaces during the day. Whole cities would lie in deep shadow where now they shine on the plain like a collection of fire jewels, and all because we were created diurnal.

WHEN BABY ABE WENT WALKING

When Baby Abe went walking, the grass and weeds would wilt and shrivel away from his offensive breath like snowflakes on a hot stone.

I was once told that the grass of the field parted before his breath like the Red Sea parted before Moses and the Israelites, and I believe it.

I saw it once for myself, with my own two eyes, in the purple fields behind the house as Baby Abe stepped out for a walk under the moon.

He sang a wild song as he walked, more sounds than words, and with a force that must have made his teeth rattle.

He walked as though he had a stone in his stomach, and his skin sagged in loose rolls as if it had been tailored for a larger body.
 
The sleeve of his left arm, which he favored, was hardened stiff as bark with dried snot.

Where he went I know no more than where he came from.

He walked, he simply walked, and as he entered the woods on the far side of the fields I heard the branches writhing and retreating before his breath.

As he walked he sang his wild song.

He did not know I listened.
He did not know I watched.

FRENCH TAKE ON "Ode to Billie Joe" BY BOBBIE GENTRY

Ode to Billie Joe is such a distinct slice of Americana that it strikes me as odd to hear it sung in French (albeit with a few revisions), but Joe Dassin hits it out of the park with this French adaptation of an American classic. Give it a listen.

LIKE SMOKE

A congregation of savages sat in stoic silence
Amidst the pillar trees of a forest cathedral
As a sermon, Delivered in sing-song,
Washed over them like smoke,
And like smoke it reddened their eyes.

DUI?

I enjoy riding my bicycle into town, but I always feel slightly judged by motorists who pass me by. I imagine that when people see me, a fat, bearded man, riding my bike down the road they think to themselves, "DUI?"

MILES GOT GAME!

FRESH CUT GRASS

Two weeks ago I woke early in the morning, maybe 4:30 am, and decided to take a walk before settling down in front of the computer to get some work done. I stepped out to stretch my legs in the pearly light of pre-dawn. As I walked away from the house and down the driveway I watched as a trio of deer cautiously stole their way through the weedy fringes of the wilderness and on through some outbuildings. They were obviously intent on grazing in the center grass, which is a man-made meadow in the center of the campground. In these dry, arid mountains such a luxury as grass only occurs where man wills it. Every muscle was tense and their ears swiveled this way and that as they made their way. Risky.

Today I was cutting the grass and as I did the smell of fresh cut grass hung all around me like flavored air.  Then I understood why the deer had risked it. It must taste to them as good as it smells to me.

AN UPDATE ON MY SHOES

 When the Sperry Top Siders were recently retired the Doc Martens were promoted to Captain of the footwear, and although they still look fine they have developed horrible cracks in the sole which separates my tender feet from this angry earth which only wants to do them harm.

The cracks have widened to the point that they barely still function as shoes, but yet I cannot bear the thought of discarding them. They still look fine, and there are times when form trumps function.

 

In light of the Doc Marten's troubles I have promoted the New Balance sneakers to captain of the footwear. You might recall that when the Doc Martens first joined the line up the New Balance Sneakers were Captain of the footwear, but were soon replaced by the Sperry Top Siders. However, when the Top Siders met their demise it was the Doc Martens who got the promotion, but the time is always brief in the skin of a chief, and now the New Balance sneakers have once again claimed the top spot. They will get the start tomorrow, but they obviously have their own troubles as well.

The ironic thing is that they look worse than the Doc Martens, but they are in better shape overall. They are riddled with holes and the back of the heels has some kind of plastic sticking through that scrapes my heel. I have covered the plastic with electricl tape, which does help, but every once in a while I need to apply new layers of tape.

If the New Balance Shoes detieriorate much further I will be left with nothing but my boots and flip-flops. These are indeed desperate times. I may have to invest in a new pair of shoes sometime soon.

BFZ PRODUCT REVIEW- Hot Wing Jerky and Ovaltine

I was in the check out aisle at Walmart behind an Asian couple and a mother with three busy/grabby children. I had substantially fewer purchases to make than either of them whose carts were heaped to the gunwales like American cornucopias. The woman took in my few paltry items and magnanimously offered to let me go ahead of her. If it had been the Asian couple I may have agreed, but I too have proceeded through the check out while simultaneously trying to police young ones so I declined. "I'm all by myself and I'm in no hurry," I said nodding toward the youngest of her children who was intent on studying the various candies which some fiendishly efficient marketing executive had ordered placed at an infant's eye level. Have you ever wondered why the candies in the check out aisle are so low to the floor? That's why. For parents of small children the check out aisle is like running the gauntlet.  While I was waiting my eyes took in the headlines on the magazines. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were pregnant and so too were William and Kate. Apparently there was little else going on in the world.

Then my eyes beheld Jack Link's Buffalo Wings Big Dippers. I stared in wonder at this product, which was new to me. "Brilliant," I thought. I went to college in western New York just an hour south of Buffalo, and let me tell you, Western New York is basically a wings-based economy. In fact, I even went to a Chinese restaurant once in Olean, NY where Buffalo hot wings were on the menu. My four years spent living in Western New York left me with a deep and enduring love of hot wings.

Although I have to give Jack Links credit for trying to distill the Hot Wings experience into a pre-packaged jerky complete with hot sauce and ranch the end result was terribly disappointing.

In my experience hot wings succeed or fail based largely on the sauce. The sauce was simply horrible. it tasted like Italian dressing mixed with tabasco sauce. McDonald's wings sauce is one-hundred times better. Still I have to give them credit for trying. It's a great concept, but, seriously, back to the drawing board.

I have recently made the difficult decision to give up drinking soda, even my beloved diet pepsi, and guess what has stepped into the breach to fill this refreshment vacuum- Ovaltine! (It also apparently serves well as a hot wings jerky chaser.)

Simply put, ovaltine is my new favorite drink. I hadn't drank ovaltine since I was a child, but it was like being reunited with an old friend. I recommend that you purchase yourself some ovaltine and milk at the earliest opportunity. You will thank me!

OVERHEARD

White female in her mid to late fifties and sporting a black "Team Edward" t-shirt to a younger hispanic male in blue jeans, and a dark blue tank top as they walked away from Fairway Market.

"You don't just throw a lady's diaper onto the ground like that!"

Lady's diaper?

Elderly white male to a young male emplyee at Fairway Market after dropping a diet 7-Up which exploded all over the drink aisle.

"I'm just thankful it wasn't a beer. That would have been tragic."