BUMMER-FREE ZONE

One morning several years ago I woke up feeling nauseous. Wearing nothing but my boxers, T-shirt, and a single flip-flop (No time to look for the second one!) I hurried outdoors. It was early in the morning, maybe 5:30 or so, and upon waking it became immediately clear to me that this episode was going to end with a violent splattering of my stomach contents- and that seemed right imminent! (If you ever find me wandering out of doors in my boxer shorts you may safely assume I am in the midst of some crisis. Exigent circumstances make such a flagrant disregard for social conventions permissibale to some extent. At least that's my theory.) Although I knew I would not be able to avoid the fight I could at least choose the location of the battle. I prefer to vomit outdoors. So I went outside and stood for a moment in the muddy dooryard collecting myself. As I stood there my mouth filled with saliva. I groaned. I grimmaced. Then the riot in my stomach threatened to spread to my esophagus and, wanting to spare my loved ones the sight, sound and smell of my wretching, I staggered out into the middle of the dirt road which ran in front of the house. There I surrendered my will to biological necessity and vomited.

It was violent but brief, and when it was all done I felt better. The storm inside had spent itself, and for the moment I felt normal. The cool breeze of the soft spring morning caressed my brow comforting me and the song birds sang their concern. Mud squished between the toes of my bare foot. I tramped back across the dooryard and leaned heavily against a parked car. A tractor motored slowly past. The farmer who had witnessed the whole thing from his vantage point atop the tractor's controls smiled broadly at me, tipped the brim of his baseball cap back with his thumb, and then humorously swerved his tractor wide of the mess I had made. He laughed sympathetically, shook his head, and yelled over the roar of the tractor, "That's a good way to start your day!" I forced a laugh, waved him off, and then went in search of my lost flip-flop. I would spend the better part of that day otudoors.