THOUGHTS I HAD BUT DIDN'T SHARE (until now)

1. That woman's hair looked like a man's beard.

2. America needs a twenty-five dollar bill. Our twenty-fifth president, Teddy Roosevelt, could be on it with a bull moose on the reverse side.

3. I have never once in my life had a single use for my toe nails. I don't need them.

4. I find Bible covers a little unmasculine... kinda like a purse.

THOUGHTS I HAD TODAY BUT DIDN'T SHARE WITH ANYONE (until now)

1. I don't think squirrels ever think about falling. It never crosses their little minds that they might not make it. They're not brave so much as unthinking. What things would I attempt if I never even thought about the possibility of failing? I have never seen a squirrel fall. I have seen them make some fantastic jumps, but I've never seen them crash. Do they sometimes? They must.

2. I can't bring myself to throw old Bibles away. It just feels wrong. What should I do with all of these bibles?

3. I don't think that is what it sounds like when doves cry.

4. Human beings are actually pretty large creatures. Like, if I was not a human and I saw one walking through the woods I would think to myself, "Whoa! That's a big human!" 'Cause really all humans are kinda big. We're like bears, but more numerous. I'm a large mammal!

THOUGHTS I HAD TODAY BUT DIDN'T SHARE WITH ANYONE (until now)

1. I wonder if barbers feel weird about touching strangers heads all day long. I don't think I could be a barber.

2. If nausea could be cured by transferring the discomfort to a willing second party I wonder how much would be the going rate for such a service. Like for instance, if Mrs. Smith had a 24 hour bug and was spewing all over the place, and she called me up because I had a business where I took people's nausea onto myself, how much would I charge for helping her out? I think $100.00 would be fair. Maybe a couple thousand for a whole first-trimester.  I would do it for my family (and any of you) for free though. Seriously, I would. I bet I would get super good at being nauseous, and I'd lose tons of weight too!!! On my business card I would have a catchy motto. Maybe "DON'T CALL IN SICK. CALL JOSH." No, that's horrible! Hmm...let's see...what would be a good motto for a vomit guy. Maybe something cheeky like "YOU MAKE ME SICK!"

3. I like floor to ceiling windows and wide hallways.

THOUGHTS I HAD IN MONTEREY

1. My pants fall down because my butt is flat as a board. I need a little more to hang my pants on, ya know?

2. I wonder if a baseball player could hit a homerun with a stationary ball or does the velocity of the pitch contribute to the distance a baseball player can hit the ball?

3. I love volunteering to take group pictures for strangers. It feels so validating to be trusted with their cameras, and I come away from the experience feeling all aglow, like I'm the kindest, thoughtfullest, most big-hearted person in the world for thinking to ask if I could take their picture for them.

4. Why are girls never accused of chauvinism when they are clearly chauvinistic sometimes? In fact their chauvinism is more overt and vocal. For that matter lots of people know the word misogyny, which means the hatred of women, but tell me what is the word for the hatred of men?


5. I think the appeal of stonehenge is its mystery. If the true story was told about how and why the ancients did what they did it might just seem a little silly. Maybe there's no great wisdom behind it. Could be just silly.

6. Why do they call it the "high" seas? It's at sea level obviously.

7. I love being the guy to push the buttons in elevators. I am always vaguely disappointed when someone else gets to push the buttons.

8. I want to have a special relationship with the sea lions. I want them to love me in a unique, special way and to reject the rest of humanity. Like, I wish I could climb up onto that raft with them and take a little nap, but if somebody else tried to do it they would get bitten. I want them to love me and hate all the rest of you.

9. The trouble with the beach is all of this sand.

10. If all the land in the world became ocean and all the ocean became land (if they switched) then Monterey Bay would become a large peninsula jutting out into the North American Sea. What's interesting though is that Panama would still be an important link between two oceans. They would call it the straights of Panama and they would run north to south instead of east to west.

11. If we got a second car I would want it to be an El Camino. Those cars are sweet, and they are kind of like the love child of a pickup truck and a sedan. The proof of the sedan's forbidden love for the pickup truck from the other side of the tracks is the El Camino. Her father, Lexus, and Mother, Mercedes, forbade their passion but love could not be fenced in. The result- El Camino!

12. God was kind to give squirrels fluffy tails. Just think if they were hairless tails like rats. We would all hate them and call them tree rats. It would make their efforts to steal from bird feeders even more sinister. Same with Raccoons. Imagine a raccoon with a long scaley tail climbing out of your trash can. It's not a little rascal anymore is it? Shudder. Davy Crockett would have had to find another signature piece of haberdashery to keep the rain off.

THOUGHTS I HAD TODAY BUT DIDN'T SHARE WITH ANYONE (until now)

1. I wish I could forget that song so I could hear it again for the first time.

2. President Obama may be remembered as the man who was chumming the waters as the ship was going down.

THOUGHTS I HAD BUT DIDN'T SHARE WITH ANYONE (until now)

1a. Based on the doucmentary footage I have seen nazi salutes seemed to get sassier and less enthusiastic as the war dragged on. At first their arms were fully extended, fingers straight as an arrow, and a couple of years in they were just kind of flipping their hand up a little as they walked away from their motorcade.

1b. Some of those nazi conventions where thousands were giving the salute all at the same time must have caused some anxiety for those nazis who forgot to wear deodorant that day.

1c.Wasn't the nazi salute kind of like a gang sign?

2. I hate dust jackets on books. They are a needless annoyance.

3. Somebody should conduct a study on why girlfriends/wives are cute when they wear their boyfriends'/husbands' clothes.

4. Is it physically possible to fart and burp simultaneously?Somebody should conduct a study on that.

THOUGHTS I HAD TODAY BUT DIDN'T SHARE WITH ANYONE (until now)

1. I think the name "blue tooth" is gross.

2. I like eating at McDonalds but I'm embarassed to admit it. I'm ashamed of my forbidden love for McDonalds.

3. I wonder if documenting my cast off thoughts on my blog comes off as a tad too narcissistic.

THOUGHTS I HAD TODAY BUT DIDN'T SHARE WITH ANYONE

1. That song which goes "Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful," does not express a particularly romantic sentiment. It's basically saying that you would be difficult to love if you were less attractive.

2. Either grapes are really good or they're just awful. Same with blueberries. Blueberries are best eaten by the handful. Who eats blueberries one at a time?

3. I wish there was a tree that was heat-pruducing. That would be useful. I guess all trees are heat producing if you burn them. Maybe it would be cooler if there were trees that actually cooled the air- like air-condition trees. Well...I guess they kinda do that too through shade. Trees are heat-producing and cold-producing! Wow!

4. Is there a difference between a bog, a swamp or a marsh? They're probably synonyms, but I don't know.

5. Can moose be domesticated and ridden? How intimidating would a cavalry charge be comprised of several hundred bull moose with their antlers sweeping out in front? That would be awesome! This image in my head makes me wish I was an artist.

6. I wish John Madden would come back out of retirement.

7. It seems odd to me that gold can't be created in a lab.

8. Why does soda cost so much? How much of this $1.75 fountain drink would be pure profit?

THOUGHTS I HAD TODAY BUT DIDN'T SHARE WITH ANYBODY

1. I wonder if a bunch of feral humans would stink worse than chimps or gorillas. Sometimes I think the stink of an unwashed human is worse than an animal smell. I bet chimps stink pretty bad though.

2. Feral humans? There are some problems with that term. Who is tame? Who is controlled? There are plenty who don't heed God, parents, spouses or the law. I suppose such could be called feral. That doesn't speak to the issue of personal hygiene and the human stink though.

3. Khaddafi can't be as unhinged as he looks. Can he? How could such a man remain at the helm if he didn't have command of himself. There must be more to the man than appearances, but why does he choose to appear as he does? Is that a cape he's wearing?

4. Why are hotdog buns so awful? It's just way too much bread in proportion ot the amount of hotdog.

5. All of these cars used to be brand new. For a time all of these cars were the apples of their owners' eyes. Somebody went onto a lot and out of all the lines of cars they picked out that one. Unbelievable that all of these were once brand new.

THOUGHTS I HAD TODAY BUT DIDN'T SHARE WITH ANYONE (until now)

1. Patrick Ewing is the sweatiest man I've ever seen.

2. Rod Blagojevich's hair is like a reverse halo.

3. A sneeze is kind of like vomiting in that it builds and builds and then explodes, but unlike nausea, the whole process of sneezing feels good. Why would I take a medicine to prevent sneezing? Every time is like a gift.

4. I like a nice forehead.

5. Why would I buy these paintings in this catalog when full color versions of the paintings are included in miniature inside the catalog? I'll just keep the catalog in my desk. That way I can take it out whenever I want and look at all of the free paintings. Bam! It's a poor man's museum, this catalog.

6. The only cool thing about velcro is that it is vaguely futuristic, but velcro just isn't classy.