Friday, November 18, 2011


Two nights ago I had a very sordid dream wherein I committed adultery with none other than Britney Spears. Now, before I proceed you should know that although I think Ms. Spears is attractive enough she's not like my "it girl" or anything. I have nothing to confess to you or to God in this matter. All in all she was a very odd choice for my sub-conscious. The mind is a mysterious, dark, tangled wood. Can we claim to be the authors of our dreams?

I will spare you the details for, after all, the BFZ is not that sort of blog. We're on the right side of the tracks as far as the internet and decency is concerned. I like to think that the BFZ is the sort of neighborhood where you can leave your purse unattended and it'll still be there when you come back (Unless it starts raining, and then you can be sure that some kind citizen will have picked it up and turned it in to the police who are as bored as maytag repairmen due to the lack of crime and disorder.) So, never fear, such steamy details have no place here at the BFZ. You're safe.

...but I digress. Where were we? Oh yes, my dream about Britney Spears.

I woke up from this dream, and I was immediately gripped by the deepest and most sincere feelings of guilt and regret. I was positively racked with guilt. My heart threatened to beat right out of my chest. I was all sweaty, and my mind was racing- desperate to find a place of rest. The guilt! Oh, the guilt! In my sleep-addled brain it all was so real. I HAD JUST COMMITTED ADULTERY!!! It was awful, more than awful, it was like my life had ended and I was just waiting for my heart to stop beating. How long would I have to live with this moral failure? Death seemed preferable.

Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. My heart kept beating.

As my brain began to surface from out of the deep, murky depths I began groping towards reality. I was trying to figure out how I was going to tell Sarah and the kids (Oh no! The Kids! That thought cut me. I hated myself!) when I suddenly woke to the liberating truth that it had all been a dream. It was just a dream! I never had sex with Britney Spears!

It was like the sun coming up!

I lay there for a moment letting the truth of my innocence wash over me.

Laying there, I relished in my clear conscience, grinning up at the ceiling in the dark.

I listened to Sarah's shallow, regular breathing.


My heart slowed.

I rolled over.

I went back to sleep.

1 comment:

sarah said...

I'm glad that I make your heart slow. And I think that this post is amusing.