BREAKING NEWS

Earlier this morning, Josh Tate, President for Life of the Bummer-Free Zone and a fine specimen of a man, held an impromptu press conference to announce a major policy shift toward long-time ally Israel. President Tate, who appeared artfully disheveled after a night’s sleep, demanded that Israel "return to its pre-930 b.c. borders." The statement prompted a collective gasp from the assembled media.

Following the President's prepared remarks, CNN's Chuck Berlinsky asked if the timimg of this morning's announcement had anything to do with President Obama's historic speech earlier this week wherein he called for Israel to return to its borders prior to 1967 as part of a plan for the creation of a Palestinian state. In response, Tate pointed to Berlinsky's chest and said, "You've got something there on your tie, Chuck," but when Berlinsky glanced down at his tie, Tate dissolved into laughter before crowing "Made you look, Chuck! Look at his stupid face everybody! Hahaha! Made you look!" A nearby aid high-fived the exultant president before adding, "Good one, sir!"