Yesterday evening, I was forced to leave Bowden's baseball game and zip back home after I discovered Jack sobbing in a heap outside of the porta-potty. "I PEED my pants!" he howled as I walked up to him. I wanted to scoop him up and whisk him away to The van, but...er...well...he had peed his pants and I wasn't just about to scoop him up or otherwise convey him for fear of being soggied with Jack-Juice. So instead I encouraged him to walk toward the van. It was painfully slow progress with Jack crying the entire way and constantly begging, in fact pleading, for me to pick him up and carry him. I almost gave in too, after all it wouldn't have been the first time I had been soggied, sometimes expedience requires it, but I finally decided to stay the course and make him walk all the way to the van.
Him howled across the basketball court. Him howled across the playground. Him howled down the sidewalk and across the parking lot. The entire time him top speed was about .000000012 miles per hour. Him put more energy into voicing him displeasure than walking, but I do not negotiate with terrorists like Jack. "C'mon Jack. We're amost there," was my mantra.
When we finally reached the van I stripped him of his soggy and soiled clothes leaving him dressed after the fashion of Winny-The-Poo (naked from the waist down).
As we drove home to get a change of clothes I was feeling frustrated so I asked Jack, "Why did you pee your pants?"
"Cause it was easier," him said.
Him not very considerate.
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3 comments:
No him not. . .but you is funny!
That's the hardest I've laughed in a long time. Thank you, Josh, for relaying your experience, for being so funny, and for being my brother. I love the "Winnie the Pooh" designation. In our house we call the only underwear look "the Mowgli." And then I like to call the totally naked look the "Happy Adam" as in Adam before the Fall. Yesterday a technician came to look at our furnace and because Obadiah was home sick and because I was in a lot of pain Obie was still in his pajamas and the house was a mess. After Ira had been here for a little while clunking around in the cellar I heard Obie talking to him from the top of the stairs to the cellar. I winced because, to the uninitiated, Obie is incomprehensible, but it was inevitable: Obie is irresistibly drawn to such masculine endeavors. But when he came upstairs from giving his advice to Ira I groaned to discover that Obie had been changing out of his pajamas into his street clothes when he discovered Ira at work. If only he had been at the Mowgli or even the Winnie the Pooh stage. But no, it had to be the Happy Adam.
I did not broach the subject with Ira when he left.
I don't know which story was better, Jack's, since I know the narrator and the accused, or the above story, with the naked boy and repairman. Both are wonderfully humorous :)
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